A late introduction

I was brought up in the Mormon church. My parents were converts when I was very young. Young enough that I don't remember anything else. I had the typical Mormon upbringing- baptized by my Dad on my 8th birthday, started baptisms for the dead at age 12, went to seminary (haha- see previous post).

I have not been 100% active since I was forced to attend church when I was still living at home until age 18. Part of the reason I moved out so young was not because I was going to college, no, that was not stressed in my home- church was. That's part of the reason I moved out, the other was simply because I was independent and wanted to make my own rules. So I did, and I'm happy I did.

Moving out at age 18, I didn't really even think about church to be honest. I worked, dated, just had fun being on my own. I would on occassion attend church with the parents, but at that point, never attended in the ward where I would have been assigned. Never really gave much thought to church until I was living with my now husband and my mom threatened to have me excommunicated. LOL I am now a HUGE advocate of living together before marriage IF it feels right- IF it feels like it is going to be "the one". Anyway, after she said that, all these feelings of guilt and dirtiness came flooding back into my life. Ugh, I hated it. So, I tried going to church- that lasted all of like 2 Sundays. Never gave them my address or anything. Lo and behold- a couple of months later the missionaries start knocking on my door. Again- thanks to my dear mother. She so graciously had my records transferred to my new ward. How nice of her. Why did they allow her to transfer her grown daughters records? Is there no privacy? Obviously not.
Anyway, I started to feel pressured to get my husband in church so that we could be married in the temple one day after I got him good and brainwashed. Yeah, that was never going to happen. He's stubborn as a mule anyway and hated the LDS church from the first time he stepped foot into it.

So, we finally moved and didn't tell the missionaries, but after about a year, guess who shows up unannounced and uninvited? I mean, I feel really bad for those guys they're so young and are basically forced to go- my brother served a mission and I would think about my brother standing outside at someone's house, but COME ON! My brother's mission actually turned him into a giant douche, so now I really couldn't care less.

The joy of moving once again to rural America is that the missionaries don't EVER come over! EVER! And I actually know that they have my address this time because about 4 years ago, I started going back to church again and I gave it to them. I've put this in another blog, but I have written a letter to the bishop requesting that I not be contacted whatsoever and so far, that request has been upheld.

The most recent time that I started going back to church, it felt really strange. It was comfortable, yet there was something obviously different. I knew all the teachings, it was all the same, but I was different, I had so many questions that couldn't be answered. My biggest problem was that I would go to church alone and for some reason, the congregation had a problem with that. I couldn't just go to worship because I wanted to- they had to constantly badger me about my husband. "Where is he?" "We have to get your husband here." and on and on and on. It was maddening.

Long story short- my doubts were out in the open, there was no way I could go back.

My former missionary brother has at least made my parents proud. No, he didn't graduate with honors. In fact, he quit going to college- why you ask? He got married in the temple, knocked his wife up after 2 months, she had the baby, then he knocked her up again after 9 months. So now they have 2 kids under the age of 2. She of course quit working immediately to be a "stay at home mother", so he was unable to finish school and had to find a job that paid enough to allow her to do so. UGH.

Oh yeah, living the Mormon dream, they are.

LDS TV show??

Yeah, my mom was super excited about this. It was more like "LDS TV SHOW!!!!". WTF man?
Who wants to see a bunch of regular mormons on TV? It's not like watching Big Love (which by the way was awesome this past Sunday- will talk about that momentarily.) Big Love is controversial, a church backed LDS TV show will not show anything that is of interest to the non-mormon world. They won't show the infamous temple scene that was shown on Big Love this week.

Speaking of- my jaw about hit the floor when I saw Barb in the temple in all her temple garb. Oh it was fucking sweet! Sorry for the F bomb, but since I first decided to start researching my doubts on the LDS church, I have been dying to see an accurate depiction of the temple endowment ceremony. While what was shown on Big Love is I'm sure as accurate as possible given the other descriptions and testimonials I've read on the internet, I know that there is more involved than just what was shown. I was just excited to see Barb wearing all the white and the green apron and the men with their bakers caps.

Having been sealed to my parents at age 15, I was one of the rare few young people who were able to see an endowed member wearing their full temple get up (and I now wonder if I should have been allowed to see them, but glad I did). Now, this is where the first doubts are placed in my head about the religion.... So we arrive at the temple, go in and I get changed into an all white gown. Nothing strange here. At this point, I had done baptisms for the dead, so I knew that everyone wore white, no biggie. My mom leaves me in this room and I will never forget what she said next: "When you see us, don't laugh." I'm thinking to myself- why would she say that? So I'm sitting for a long time in this room waiting for my parents when this old lady finally takes me to a sealing room. The sealing room had been described to me and I knew what to expect here- fairly standard- mirrored room representing eternity, alter in the middle. So in walks Mom- last time I saw her she looked like this:
Now she and my dad walk in and look like this:

Not to mention that my entire life and still today- they walk around the house in these:

Oh yes, the magical underwear. I have always, ALWAYS been super embarrassed to see my parents walking around in these. Hello?!!! I can see your bush, Dad's package and both off your ass cracks right through that thin shit! (ok- I didn't say it exactly like that-but close) To which my mother in all her mormon modesty wisdom would respond- I'm more covered up than someone that is wearing a bikini on the beach. Um, okay- do we really want to compare the two? If someone was wearing a white, see through material bikini- maybe, but um, no.

I'm beginning to think that my psyche was rejecting the idea of mormonism from a very early age. I never wanted to bear any testimony, I never wanted my friends to come to church with me. Once I was a teen, we moved to a ward where there was a large youth group and that was fun for a while- temple trips, etc. It was fun until we all got a little older and started to be forced into going to 7am or earlier seminary. For those of you that don't know- seminary is basically like a bible/book of mormon study group for high school aged kids. Yeah, me and my friends hung out in the bathroom, then would leave and ride around town smoking cigarettes until school started. Ah, to be young. Once the goody-goody barrier had been broken, I believe there was no turning back. I realized there was a whole world out there that allowed you to think on your own. What an awesome feeling it is to be able to see that there are truly 2 sides to every story. That it is not always a "either you're with us or against us" scenario. Another great thing that my mother told me- "either you believe it all or you don't" "either you believe in joseph smith, or you don't believe in the church at all" and "you can't pick and choose what you like and don't like about the church, you either believe it all or you don't".

How about I don't.

so i need to stop typing so.

I left this out of my last blog. I quit smoking (again) around the first of the year. Since then, my food addiction has become quite apparent. I guess I would smoke rather than eat more than I thought- hence why people gain weight when they quit smoking. I'm thinking of starting back to weight watchers this weekend. It works as I have started and quit it much like I have the cigs. I'm beginning to see a pattern... But, even though at WW I have to pay someone to tell me that I've gained or lost weight, it does work and there's something to be said for the camaraderie that I feel at the meetings. I think it's probably a better habit, I can pay $12/wk for WW or $12/wk for cigs, so I guess it's an obvious decision. Too bad I didn't decide to start back last week when it was free registration. DOH!
I've unhappily become quite the fat ass in the past 8 years. I've never been what I would myself consider skinny, but thinking back to my previous size, I looked quite nice in comparison to now. I actually busted out a pair of my skinny jeans and man, do they look small now. I've wasted the majority of my 20s being fat and I think it's time to quit it. Maybe overeaters anonymous is an option? It's not really that I overeat though-- if I was overeating carrots and celery sticks, there wouldn't be a problem. I just don't choose the right foods and I know it and educate my patients. Would you take a fat nurse seriously when she's lecturing you about nutrition? But, being the person that I am- I'm always- I know, it's hard to do and something I struggle with myself, obviously (chuckle). It's usually well received, but I would like to lose weight to inspire my patients that they can do the same.
Who knows, I just might be a Big Loser after all. lol

p.s. I think this blog is becoming my new addiction. I don't know why I'm typing like someone is actually reading this when I know they're not, but whatever. lol

so i think i'm crazy

Or cynical, or I don't know.
Maybe there's something wrong with me, and everyone else that I think is faking a perfect existence isn't.
Maybe everyone is just doing the best they can.
Maybe I'm jealous.

Ok, so I am totally one of the nicest people that you will ever meet. I know it doesn't seem that way from my previous blogs, but I am. I just really dislike fakeness and really dislike the mormon church or more accurately- how the mormon church makes people act. Crazy as it is- most of my life is surrounded with either mormons or fake people or both. HA.

I'm trying to actively be positive, but it is rather cathartic to get out my inner anger on this blog, so I'm sure it will come out. lol

I think part of my problem at the moment is that I have been off work for too long. I took an extended amount of time off- like 7 days in a row. Being a nurse, I can take off that many days and not use any vacation, which is nice. After day 3 though, I really start to get antsy. I'm entirely ready to go back to work. Luckily this time, they called me in on about day 3 I believe, so that helped me keep my sanity. Why take off that long if it makes you crazy- you might ask- well, because work has been so crazy here lately. Extremely needy patients, asshole family types, slacker co-workers, 8 pts to 1 nurse (not safe by the way), so 7 days off in a row seemed like a good thing to do. So in my days off, being as bored as I have been, I have actually started looking into some PRN (as needed) work. It is awesome on a bad week to only have to work 3 days, but the majority of working Americans don't have that luxury and until I became a nurse, neither did I. I worked 5-6 days per week. As I mentioned before I live in rural America, so the prospects of PRN work are slim. The hospital I currently work for doesn't even have PRN nurses. I was pleasantly surprised at the pay I would receive to work PRN at a hospital approximately 45 minutes from my house. It would be $6.30 more on the hour than what I make now, so that's pretty good. We shall see I suppose.

I've only recently graduated nursing school in the past year, so I'm still trying to find my way. I see all these jobs posted at my current hospital and think- wow- I'd love to do that, but at the same time my logical side is telling me to stay on the med/surg/tele floor and get more experience, maybe do some charge, then move on. I keep thinking- Oh, gosh, those jobs won't be there again when I know that they will. That's the great thing about nursing- there are a lot of older nurses retiring opening up jobs- then new nurses that come in and take the jobs like I have. There are a couple of nurses on my floor that have worked med/surg for like 20 years. I do not see how people do that. I am dying to get myself in the surgical world. The first time I saw a surgery in nursing school, I was hooked. I really should have gone to med school and became a surgeon, seriously. If I'm reincarnated (we'll talk about that in length in another blog), I would love to come back as a world renowned cardiothoracic surgeon. Man, that would be awesome.

Ok- had to pause. Chelsea Lately is on. LOVE HER. Watch it.

Wow. I feel so much better now that I've blogged. Good times. Catcha later. :)

so, I've decided to return..

Doubtful that anyone is reading this as of yet, but oh well. I've debated on deleting this for reasons that I will discuss shortly, but damn it, no one has this little perfect life that they portray on here. Ugh.

So, I've been reading the blogs of some people that I have known for years. One of them in particular is a current Mormon but for I'd say 5 yrs prior to finding the "love of her life" was an alcoholic slut, let's just be frank. Now she's been married in the temple, has a kid and life is just peachy? Bullshit, I say, bullshit. I once had my own mother threaten to have me excommunicated because I was living with my boyfriend- now husband. Um, okay. Whatever.
As I'm reading this chick's blog though, I begin to realize that all she is writing about is her kid. My kid is eating rice cereal, my kid's not sleeping through the night. Who gives a big shit? I don't know- maybe I don't understand because I'm not a mother, but why do women lose their personal identity when they become mothers? I was seriously disturbed by the fact that this certain chick is finishing up her last year of school and actually posted on her blog "I wonder if I will actually have to work". WTF? I understand the whole back up plan if you're going to be a stay at home mom and I am a big advocate of it, but why is it that mormon girls feel the need to get married and pop out kids immediately and then stop working? Especially when said mormon girls are all in their very early 20s. At least work a year or so in your desired field- get a feel for it, develop your own identity before it gets lost in your children and you never see it again.

So I've started a blog

I'm new to this and have been lurking around other people's blogs for years and dabbled with my own on myspace, but never felt quite comfortable enough to get into what I really want to say. When the friends list includes family and friends, many of them in "the Church", you can't exactly say what's on the mind of a now non-believer. I used to keep a journal as a child and young adult, so this just might suffice my urge to write. Bear with me as I learn and as all the things that I've wanted to say but couldn't come flooding out in a blob of unorganized free writing.

So, if you are or were a member of the Church, you know that I am talking about the Mormon church. My name is still part of the records. Still part of the growing numbers that they boast. Still making me sick. I should probably have my name removed, but for some reason I still harbor some of the feelings of guilt. I wrote a letter to the Bishop several years back after being harrassed by one of my home teachers asking him to not contact me again- EVER. So far, so good. lol It is difficult when all of your family are Mormon and you don't believe. It's difficult trying to hold back the urge to strangle someone when they think of you as a second class citizen because you didn't get married in the temple. It's infuriating to know that your mother is more concerned with her young women's president calling than what is going on in anyone else's life. Anyone who would sit and think about it for 5 seconds wouldn't believe in such a religion. Why is it that otherwise logical individuals believe in a religion that believes in seer stones, secret names and handshakes and magic underwear? I mean, seriously people. I know, I know- if one of you TBMs happens to stumble across my blog, I already know what you will say, so please spare me. I've been there. Why are you on the internet looking for things about Mormonism? I'll tell you why- it's because you are having doubts and there's nothing wrong with that. Seek out the truth.

Okay, other than the former Mormon angle, I'm a newly registered nurse, so I might blog about that occasionally. Ummm, I'm married, no kids- stop asking. Why is it that people are so rude when it come to the fact that you have been married for over 5 years, yet you don't have kids. For the record you asshole, I haven't tried to get pregnant until recently because I didn't want to. And for the record, you bastard- I had a miscarriage at one point and for those of us that have gone through that tragedy, it's a little hard to get back on the wagon after that. Ugh. So I might have some anger management issues. Actually, it pretty well stays pent up anger, so I guess it's not anger management, IDK.

I live in rural America- where, is not important, but if I told you, you would have some stereotypes- no doubt. I didn't grow up here, so I don't fall into those and can honestly tell you that most of them aren't true anyway.

So, that's all for now. Hope you enjoyed my random thoughts of the day.